3 years and counting...

It has been 3 long years since the day I threw him out! The divorce is almost final. I imagined that at this point, I wouldn't care about any of it anymore. I was wrong. This has stirred up more emotion in me than I ever thought that it would. Isn't the hurt supposed to be less after all these years?

I have discovered that I am still pissed! Really pissed. I guess I am over the abuse and the constant bullshit. What I am not over is that he did not support his children financially for over 2 and a half years and has really given them no emotional support at all over the last 3 years. I am pissed that he has never been held responsible for anything, ever. I am pissed that it is going to be my job for the rest of my life to be the enforcer. I am going to have to be one step ahead of him forever. It just sucks. I made a horrible choice for a mate and now I am paying for it. More importantly, I made a horrible choice for a mate and my kids are paying for it.

I hate to settle. I am being encouraged to settle and be agreeable by my lawyer. Pshawwhh...I hate it! I have been bullied for years, this is my chance to get even! I have to step back and see the big picture. I have already gotten even, I have gone beyond even. My life is pretty spectacular. My husband withheld all support from me and the kids hoping that I would come back. I didn't come back! I live a life that he could never provide me with. I am happy.

So, if I am so happy... why has going to court turned me into a sniveling little baby? All of the sudden I am insecure, needy, whiny, panicky, and an overall nervous wreck! I am writing shitty poetry about how alone I am! I have the best boyfriend in the world... how dare I doubt his love for me! All of this seems to have brought out my old emotions and my old self. I am craving a cigarette and a Hardee's cheeseburger followed by huge amounts of booze. I guess I just want to know if divorce has affected everyone this way? I threw his ass out and have never regretted it for one second, why am I such a wreck?

I really feel much better than I did on Sunday night. I had court on Monday and it went well. I have spent most of today gathering papers for the lawyer, emailing her secretary, and on the phone with my lawyer. I feel drained, I just want Monday to get here and be over...

Did I mention that I would like to skip Thanksgiving too?
Yeah, I do, but that is another blog in itself!