Just another week...

Other than the divorce being final, this week has been like any other. I trudge through each day directing my children and living in my head. My head has been a screwy mess. I am looking for distractions. Some have proven quite effective and promising, others not so much.
I can sense change coming. I don't know whether it is my need for change or if it a premonition. When it happens, where will it take me? If I just let it happen and don't try to control it will it be better? I know I can't keep going like I have. I need more.
Am I craving career, a relationship, or just a new life? I don't even know. All I know is that I need to be a part of something that is bigger than me. I feel stagnant.
Tonight I helped my kids clean their rooms, fed them dinner, baked them cookies and sent them to bed. I laid down with Grace to help her get to sleep. We start out face to face with her in my arms. She scoots down and buries her nose into my chest. I feel her relax completley. She is instantly snoring. I lay there with her in my arms and I am still living in my head. It occurs to me... This is what I am missing.
At the end of the day, after I have made sure everyone else's needs have been met, I miss having someone to tuck me in and make sure my needs are met.

3 years and counting...

It has been 3 long years since the day I threw him out! The divorce is almost final. I imagined that at this point, I wouldn't care about any of it anymore. I was wrong. This has stirred up more emotion in me than I ever thought that it would. Isn't the hurt supposed to be less after all these years?

I have discovered that I am still pissed! Really pissed. I guess I am over the abuse and the constant bullshit. What I am not over is that he did not support his children financially for over 2 and a half years and has really given them no emotional support at all over the last 3 years. I am pissed that he has never been held responsible for anything, ever. I am pissed that it is going to be my job for the rest of my life to be the enforcer. I am going to have to be one step ahead of him forever. It just sucks. I made a horrible choice for a mate and now I am paying for it. More importantly, I made a horrible choice for a mate and my kids are paying for it.

I hate to settle. I am being encouraged to settle and be agreeable by my lawyer. Pshawwhh...I hate it! I have been bullied for years, this is my chance to get even! I have to step back and see the big picture. I have already gotten even, I have gone beyond even. My life is pretty spectacular. My husband withheld all support from me and the kids hoping that I would come back. I didn't come back! I live a life that he could never provide me with. I am happy.

So, if I am so happy... why has going to court turned me into a sniveling little baby? All of the sudden I am insecure, needy, whiny, panicky, and an overall nervous wreck! I am writing shitty poetry about how alone I am! I have the best boyfriend in the world... how dare I doubt his love for me! All of this seems to have brought out my old emotions and my old self. I am craving a cigarette and a Hardee's cheeseburger followed by huge amounts of booze. I guess I just want to know if divorce has affected everyone this way? I threw his ass out and have never regretted it for one second, why am I such a wreck?

I really feel much better than I did on Sunday night. I had court on Monday and it went well. I have spent most of today gathering papers for the lawyer, emailing her secretary, and on the phone with my lawyer. I feel drained, I just want Monday to get here and be over...

Did I mention that I would like to skip Thanksgiving too?
Yeah, I do, but that is another blog in itself!

Bad writing...but I feel better now!

Tonight I know.
I am alone.
Tonight I need to be held.
I am alone.
Tonight I heard your voice.
You weren’t there.
Tonight I feel it.
The cold is creeping in.
Tonight I hear them.
The empty echoes in my home.
Tonight I am reaching.
No one is there.
Tonight I cry.
I cry for what is lost.
Tonight I miss him.
I miss the love we had.
Tonight I believe.
I believe I am losing him.
Tonight I am certain.
I am certain that I have lost myself.
Tonight I am alone.
I am always alone.
Tomorrow….
I will pretend I am ok.